When I was in the fourth grade, I got Best Friend necklaces for each and every one of my girlfriends and wore them around like badges of honor. It was kind of the thing at that time. So it was no surprise when Mother’s Day rolled around that year, I decided to signify that bond with my mom as well. I chose the most special little bead chain necklace with a heart/flower combo from Claire’s and even gave her the side that reads “friends” (because everyone knows that was the best side to have). And although Mom really appreciated the thoughtfulness behind the gesture, she never even gave it a sympathy wear.

There were definitely some hurt feelings when I realized that my mom must not consider me a friend, but looking back now, the illustration completely fits US. Because we are not best friends.

The concept of having your mom as a best friend has certainly grown  proportionally to the diminishing cultural gap between generations. The Lorelais and Rorys of the world have us blurring the line between mother and daughter. And I DO get it. I recognize every relationship is unique and also uniquely complex. But for me there is just something about the term “best friend” that doesn’t even compare to the bond that my mom and I share. I think the same could be true for many others as well.

1. My mom are I are not mainly concerned with always making sure we like each other.

Unfortunately for me (as a people pleaser), I burden myself all too often with making sure my friends and I are in good standing. I want people, in general, to like me at all times. But with my mom, I don’t have to always second guess my actions and live so calculated. I can show the ugly, nasty sides of my personality and know she won’t love me any less for it. Although she has to put up with the worst of me, it allows me to be completely authentic around her. And on the flip side, because I know that my mom is not mostly concerned with me liking her, I can trust that she is providing me with constructive feedback — even when it might be hard to hear.

2. My mom is and always will be an authority in my life.

I’ve often heard that becoming your child’s best friend can be used as a parenting strategy. If you treat your relationship as one between two adults rather than an adult and a child, a mutual respect is formed faster and inspires maturity early on. I’m not a parent so I can’t speak from that perspective, but as a daughter, there is something kind of nice about not always having to feel like I’ve got it together for my mom. In my eyes, she will always be in the authoritative/mentor role, rather than an equal. I just can’t put myself up on her level in that way. Even to this day she is teaching me, and I take great merit in her opinions and suggestions. And while my relationship with my mother might be the most open and honest one I have in my life (second only to my husband), it will also always be one rooted deeply in respect for her.

3. The terminology doesn’t cut it.

I think for me, it’s also got to do with the terminology itself. We throw around the title “best friend” like it’s going out of style. My husband is my BFF. My sister is my BFF. My roommate is my BFF. And, of course, my BFF is my BFF.  But isn’t the descriptive word “best” itself used as a term for comparison? That is, if something is BEST, it is BETTER than the rest. So how then can we have every acquaintance labeled as such? In my opinion, it totally takes away from the significance of the title itself. I don’t want to diminish the relationship between my mom and I by categorizing it with several other people. I may claim to have multiple best friends, but I will only ever have one mom.

None of this is to say that it is wrong for you to feel that your mom is your best friend. I just challenge that we all take a closer look at what we are really suggesting and place value in the relationships that deserve it. As long as you know what you have and can understand it’s meaning in your life, that’s all that really matters.